I haven't written anything for just me in a long time. When you write a paper, you're supposed to keep the audience in mind. Sometimes, I'm just so scared to let the audience know what I'm thinking, that I lighten things up; keep them frothy. I've had things backfire before when just typing raw thoughts/emotions out where everyone can see. So I've tried to back off on that. For some reason though, writing in a journal just doesn't do it for me. Mostly because my hand starts cramping up, but also, I think I LIKE laying everything out in the open. It helps me understand my thoughts better; understand myself better. I think I've compared writing for myself to a penseive. It really is. Sometimes I feel as though I have too many thoughts in my brain. All I'm sayin is I've really felt out of sync lately, and I think it might be because I'm not writing anymore. So to remedy this disembodied feeling, and to repel feelings of anxiousness, I'm going to write. Really write. So just as a warning, don't read too much into what I say, or try to psychoanalyze me, or worry that I'm going to do something stupid. I'm not. This just helps me.
I wrote a letter to Argentina today. Some people might say, "FINALLY." They're probably right. I should have written you a long time ago. I kept saying I didn't want to just drop the Dear John bomb on you out of the blue, and since you hadn't written for awhile, I felt it would be rude. Maybe I just knew it would be hard. Writing means I have to remember. Remembering means digging up old emotions. That's never a good idea for me. I'm the kind of person that when I love someone, I don't stop. That sounds like such a great quality doesn't it?
What does it mean to give yourself to someone, completely?
Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited to get married. I love Dan. I want to be with him forever. Life would just be so much easier if he were the first person I'd ever loved. Maybe not. I've learned to love better. Stronger. Still, love is love, isn't it?
I'm a firm believer in kindred spirits. There are some people in life that you meet, and you just connect. Love at first sight almost, except it has nothing to do with how attractive the person is. More like your souls fall in love at first sight. Which means you have to get to know the person, as they really are, and when you catch that glimpse, your soul latches onto them, you forge a bond, because you two truly understand each other. That doesn't change. You're always connected. Maybe this sounds silly or idealistic, but I see the proof of it all over my life. Some of the people I love most dearly are so very far away--yet when I finally get to see them, it's like we never even were separated. None of that awkward, "Sooooo how have you been..." We jump right back into it. Maybe I've just been reading too many Bronte novels. Maybe the Brontes had a point.
There's a scene in Definitely, Maybe (good movie, don't laugh at me), where one of the characters basically says that maybe love has to do more with the time of life you're at. I think she had a point. You can love so many different people, but each time you love someone new, you learn how to love better. We don't just let love happen; it's not something we fall into or out of. Our decisions shape our love story. I choose Dan.
Choosing Dan means giving up a lot. To quote Definitely, Maybe again, "you're asking me to give up...my freedom...my joie de vivre." I'm slowly starting to realize exactly what that means. I'd rather give up all that, than give up Dan. Anyone else I have loved, prepared me for this moment in life; now I can love better, stronger, forever.
This may not make sense to anyone else, but I feel better, and that's the reason I started writing.