This kid...

Is in my thoughts, always and forever.  I know it is kind of silly, but a year later, I still find myself crying.  Over really silly things that remind me of him.  Like today, when I saw this (very old!) picture, and tears just started welling up.  Because this is the goofy kid with the beautiful soul that I remember.  The kid who never seemed to realize just how amazing he was.  I feel like he is looking right at me in this picture...probably because this is an expression he gave me so many times after he said something he knew I would find shocking and irreverent. 


The other day, I was reading through an old journal and I came across an entry that I truly needed to see.  I had been kind of down on myself, because sometimes I feel silly that I still cry at least 3 times a week.  It had been months since I'd spoken to him on the phone.  Years since I'd seen him in person.  And yes, I was important to him when it was us against the world in Provo for less than a year, but what if he was looking down on me and thinking, "Pull it together, woman!  We barely even had a friendship anymore!" But then I saw this, and it calmed my troubled thoughts.

"17 October 2009
Text from Ben on the 14th:
'So I was feeling unusually nostalgic tonight and decided to read a bunch of old messages on myspace/facebook.  I read all the goofy/heartfelt things we've sent to each other, and it made me just want to go back to 2412 Young Hall and sit on my couch with you and Kaleb and watch movies and argue with Bret and complain about classes and talk crap about [mutual acquaintances whose names have been removed...] and write in the notebook and just live.  I don't want to think about what might have become of me if I hadn't met you Lauren.  Thank you so much for being such an unbelievable friend to me and for all the good times we have had.  I love you and miss you so very much, Squeaker, and I hope we can talk soon.  (...And sorry for the novel)'"

I know that Ben probably is still shouting at me to "Pull it together, woman." But not for the reasons I was thinking.  But for doubting that our friendship was (and is) a two-way street.  Maybe he would shake his head and say it's all just coincidence that I read this when I felt so down, but can I just point out a few things that make me feel that there was something much greater than coincidence at work? 
1. The fact that he even sent that text at all.  Ben was never one to be candid with his feelings.  This was a very rare occassion.
2. The fact that I wrote it down.  I probably did so because like I said, Ben didn't ever say things like this, and I probably had the foresight (or more likely felt prompted) to record it.
3. The fact that I felt the need to browse through this old journal right at the time my heart was hurting so very much.
4. The fact that I felt him so close as I read those last few sentences, as if he was in the room, speaking those words right to me.  I'm not one who believes in ghosts, but I most certainly believe we go on after this life, and that when we need it, Heavenly Father allows us to hear those on the other side. And maybe it's silly and maybe it's my imagination or wishful thinking or whatever you want to call it.  But I believe it was a tender mercy and something I needed so very, very much.  I got chills up my spine, but warmth in my heart and those words rang true. 

So, I am trying to pull it together, but I am a woman who has lost someone dear to her, and a friend told me this is something that will just always hurt.  Some days I am angry because of this hurt, but I am trying to overcome that and just be grateful.  Grateful that I have the emotional capacity to feel this depth of pain and not let it own me.  Grateful that I have had such an incredible friendship with such a remarkable person.  Grateful that I have a God who loves me despite my weaknesses and so very grateful for His plan and mercy.  Grateful for a husband and a beautiful daughter and a blessed life that I love so very much.  And grateful for that moment of peace and comfort I had.  Because one year later, I still miss this kid.

Sometimes

Sometimes, you just have to accept the fact that you're not going to look cute today.

Sometimes, your baby's little friends get hand foot mouth.  And you worry.  (Get better soon, buddies!!)

Sometimes, you start to make a pie, and realize that you don't have enough raspberries to fill it.  So instead you have to tear apart the crust you already made and make little mini pies instead.

(Recipe found here)
Crust
(makes two single pie crusts)
4 cups all purpose flour
3 Tablespoons sugar
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 3/4 cup cold shortening, diced
1/2 cup cold water
1 large egg
1 large egg mixed with 1 Tablespoon water (for the egg wash)

Filling
4 1/2 cups raspberries
1 cup sugar
1/3 cup flour
1/2 cup sour cream
2 large eggs
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Crumb Topping
2 1/2 Tablespoons packed light brown sugar
2 Tablespoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
pinch ground nutmeg
1/4 cup unsalted butter, melted
1/2 cup plus 2 1/2 Tablespoons all purpose flour
In a large bowl, mix together the flour, sugar and kosher salt. Put the bowl in the freezer for 5 minutes. It’s important that the ingredients for the pie crust are very cold. Dice the shortening and also place it in the freezer for 5 minutes.
Take the bowl out of the freezer and add in the shortening. Using a fork, cut the shortening into the flour. The mixture should resemble small peas. Mix together 1/2 cup very cold water (I put the water in the freezer) and 1 large cold egg. Add it to the bowl and mix the ingredients together with a fork.
Put the dough onto a floured counter and form it into a large circle. Cover in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 2 hours.
Take the dough out of the refrigerator and take off 3/4 of the dough. I always use a little more so it’s easier to roll out. You can reserve the extra dough you don’t use for another pie.
Flour the counter, rolling pin and the dough. Roll it out into a large circle. Then roll the dough onto your rolling pin. Roll the dough over the pie plate (a 9 inch pie plate) and press it into the insides of the pie plate.
Crimp the edges of the pie or if you can just take a fork and crimp the edges.
Place the pie in the refrigerator while you work on the filling. In a bowl of a stand mixer with the paddle attachment, mix together the sugar and flour. Add in the sour cream, eggs and vanilla extract and mix on medium speed until combined.
Take the pie crust out of the refrigerator and put the raspberries on the bottom of the crust. Pour the filling over the raspberries and spread it out.
Now make the crumb topping. Mix together the sugar, brown sugar, ground cinnamon and ground nutmeg. Pour the melted unsalted butter into the bowl and mix everything together.
Add in the flour and mix until the ingredients form a crumble topping.
Crumble the crumb topping over the pie.
Mix together 1 large egg and 1 Tablespoon of water and brush over the edge of the crust. You won’t use all of the egg wash.
Bake the pie at 350 degrees for 1 hour and 10-15 minutes. (the pie is done when the filling is somewhat firm) Let the pie cool for at least 1 hour on a cooling rack before cutting into slices. The filling will set when the pie cools. Then enjoy!


Sometimes, you wonder if the show New Girl is loosely based on your freshman year at college.

Sometimes, you give your baby a bath, and right after you finish washing her, she spits up some squash from dinner all over herself.

Sometimes, life is still beautiful and wonderful and more than you ever hoped for, even when the little things get you down.  And most of the time, I love it.

Flashback Friday (Late Edition!): The Canyon

(Is it fair to call this Flashback Friday even though it's Saturday?  Probably not, but at least I'm starting it up again!)

 

Above pictures from the cabin this last week.

Driving up the canyon to the cabin got me thinking.  I love the Provo Canyon.  It somehow manages to take my breath away, no matter the time of year.  As we wound our way along the Provo River, watching the waterfalls and trees whiz by, my nostalgia kicked in (as usual.)  I have some pretty good memories in that canyon.  Here are some moments I would love to relive.

We woke up Saturday morning feeling lethargic.  About as hungover as you can feel without actually consuming alcohol the night before.  Our heads ached, and our hearts had whiplash.  So we ran to the car and drove to the refuge of the canyon.  We stopped on a viewpoint at the side of the road, and some cathartic silliness happened.  I always felt like I could take on the world with these girls by my side.  BYU would not have been the same without them.  Pictures circa November 2008.

"The Almost Camping Trip" Circa October, 2007.  

It started out like a good idea.  New friends, quick trip up the canyon, escape from the pressures of college life.  Except it started to rain.  And, oh my, was it ever cold.  So. Cold.  So Ben and Kaleb tried out an anti-rain dance (pictured above).  But apparently it was a wind dance, because after that, the wind started howling.  Yeah, we chickened out and drove back to Provo.  Why is this experience of misery one of my favorites?  Because I feel like it solidified our friendship, if it hadn't been already.  Nothing brings you together like Mother Nature's cruelty.

I don't know what it was about the canyon, but there was something therapeutic about the twists and turns.  It seemed that even if you began the drive feeling like ripping someone's head off..

...you always left a little more at peace with yourself, and with the world.  Whether you achieved that through screaming the lyrics to your favorite song with your best friend, or sitting quietly alone with your thoughts, or running and jumping and laughing off the steam, it happened.  I think Provo Canyon may be my Zen place.

Lazy Thursday Morning.

Here is the thing about babies and schedules.  They only work if you stick to them.  That seems pretty obvious, doesn't it?  I mean, of course a schedule will only work if you live by the schedule.  If you don't follow the schedule, then you don't have a schedule.  Seems pretty simple in theory...in execution, not so much.

See, if I get off a schedule, I have the willpower and the knowledge that I can reroute myself back onto the schedule.  A baby can't do that.  If you put a baby on a schedule, and then put her to bed an hour later than usual, that doesn't mean she sleeps in the next morning.  It means she skips her night feeding and then wakes up at least an hour earlier than usual, and is still cranky until her morning nap, which she may or may not take, because she's so tired she's absolutely delusional, going from crying to laughing back to crying, all in a split second, insisting that she MUST be held, which isn't really that easy of a task since she's grown a lot in the last four months and weighs in at about 15 pounds.  You try carrying all that around, wiggling and wriggling and writhing in your arms and try to get anything done.  Lack of a good night's sleep=nap strikes, which are a mother's worst nightmare.

Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything...

Since London Grace decided to have mercy and take a morning nap despite a late night, I'm sitting here in the quiet with my thoughts.  Sometimes thoughts just need to be written down so you can take a little pressure off your brain, or maybe so that they'll make a little more sense, or maybe just because they're dying to be put into words. And since I haven't really written anything in a long while, here is my brain on paper.
---
Some nights I go to bed and think I could sleep for a thousand years.
Some nights I go to bed covered in spit-up, drool, and my own sweat.
Some nights I go to bed and stare at the ceiling, overwhelmed by to-do lists.
Some nights I go to bed and am so glad I share it with someone who loves me.
Every night I sleep more soundly than I have my entire life.
My bed is kind of a sacred place these days.  It's one of my favorite places, if I'm honest with you.  Do not underestimate the value, and the power of sleep.  

---
You don't really realize how much someone is a part of your life until they're not anymore.  It not even that I'm dwelling on it, or waxing morbid in my thoughts.  I'm happy, life has moved on, and I'm not saying this to be depressing or to seek pity; it's just a fact of life.  This is something that never really ever goes away.  I'm becoming more and more OK with that.  C'est la vie, et je l'adore. 

---
I need to read more.  And more and more and more.  Voraciously, late hours of the night, every spare second, new books, old books, sad books, happy books, thinking books, children's books, dumb-girly-books, classic books, well-loved books, mysteries, romances, science fiction, fantasy worlds, dystopias, historical, realistic, post-modern, Romantic with a capital "R", poets, deeper meanings, and perfect, luscious prose. Please.

---
I never thought I would be one of those moms that got all teary-eyed from their baby getting bigger.  It's so exciting to watch a child grow and learn and steadily become more independent.  It's thrilling to watch this tiny little human become her own person.

But this week I had to go through London's wardrobe and pull out all the clothes she's outgrown in the last four months.  Is it silly that I maybe got a little sad as I realized that she'd never be able to wear any of these clothes again?  The smiles and cuddles and sweet, quiet moments of watching her sleep in these onsies and rompers and jammies and dresses are all past, we can never relive those seconds again.  That one outfit that I loved to pieces and she wore at least once a week can't even fit over her head anymore! 

So yes, while I am excited for my baby to grow up into a toddler, a little girl, a young woman, and eventually an adult, there's already some nostalgia here for yesterday.  Which, is anyone other than me really that surprised by this?  Probably not.
---
Today, I am swearing off to-do lists and savoring the day.  I may not even get out of my pajamas.  Or maybe I will, who knows?  Flying by the seat of my pants.  It's kind of exciting.  I think I foresee cookies in my future.

A little incoherent...but heartfelt nonetheless.

I still have to keep telling myself that you're not here.  It's funny how much a person can be entwined into your life.  I've become familiar with that choking feeling I get when my mind has to tell my heart that, "No, we can't text Ben that, he's not there to get it."
I keep thinking that maybe this will get easier.  I guess it has.  I don't cry anymore when I'm alone in my car.  Not as much anyways.

I spoke about you, and how I felt after you passed, publicly for the first time a couple weeks ago.  It was a little scary,  and I know if you were alive you would probably laugh at me for being such a girl, and you might be a little bit mad that I was thinking about you in church--well, maybe not mad, but you would probably find it...ironic?  I don't know.  You probably wouldn't have been comfortable with it.  But the point is, I was so reassured that this is not the end.  I will see you again.  For better or for worse, but probably for better, there's a reason for everything.  There's a bigger picture that I can't quite grasp, and perhaps I won't until I see you again.  But it's so comforting to know that goodbye isn't forever.  I can still pray for you (even if that bothers you), just like I did when you were here, when we were close, when life still stretched out before us filled with hope and promise.  Because God believes in second chances (and thirds, and fourths, and fifths), he believes in the healing power of love, he believes in you, and so do I.  

I feel you close sometimes, but then you slip through my fingers again.  I'm holding tight to our memories though.  Please know that I still miss you, and I always, always will.

Here's to happier thoughts tomorrow.

21 Days to Organization: And all the rest!

So remember how I took that challenge and then slacked off at the end?  Well, now you get to reap the benefits.  Get ready for my super-sized organization post!  This will be fun!  Maybe.

Day 16: The Fridge.
Sooo..I was kind of dreading this.  I always hated cleaning the fridge during cleaning checks at BYU.  SO MUCH ROTTEN FOOD.  Also, this one time, I babysat for this lady and she paid me ten bucks an hour to watch her kids and clean her house.  (P.S. Her house was kind of scary--like borderline candidate for Hoarders...)  Anyways, I was there for probably 8 hours...and all I got through was the fridge.  Not because I was really slow, but because her fridge was a mess.  Stuff was spilled all over, food was going bad/unrecognizable, it stunk--and she blamed it all on her kids.  Um, yeah.  Let's get real here.  I vowed to never, ever have a fridge like that, but for some reason I always fear I will open my fridge and the Frigidaire of my nightmares will resurface.  Fortunately, this wasn't nearly as bad as any BYU/babysitting for Hoarders experiences.

Before.

Before.

After.

After.

*Note: You may have noticed that the food/quantities changed from the before and after pictures.  Apparently after I cleaned the fridge, I forgot to take a picture to document my handy work...so this is what my fridge looked like today.  And it's stayed pretty dang organized, if I do say so myself.
Quick run-down if you're interested:
My top shelf is where the water pitcher and lemonade pitcher go, mainly because that's the only shelf they fit on...also stored here are fruits and veggies for snacking, and lettuce that I have pre-washed, shredded, and portioned for salads for dinner.  I also like to chop up my celery sticks and stuff and baggie them ahead of time, so they're always ready to go for lunch or a snack.  It's a great system.  I also put leftovers up here, front and center so that we remember to eat them.
That top drawer is home to deli and breakfast meats, as well as all my cheese!  I have a lot of cheese and lots of different kinds.  Yum.
Middle shelf is for condiments that we use a lot, like salsa, sour cream, butter, mayo, feta cheese...and also tortillas!
Bottom shelf...this always varies, right now it has some leftover banana pudding that I probably  need to throw out, as well as some Pillsbury crescent roll and biscuit dough (they were on sale this week!).  I also like to defrost meat on this shelf, and usually I have a stash of water bottles down there, but I keep forgetting to restock.
The two bottom shelves are for fruits and veggies.  
The door always has milk, eggs, and butter for baking.  Plus lots of other stuff that I keep there so it doesn't clutter the shelves.

Day 17: The Mail.
Normally, I check the mail and throw it on the counter.  And it could sit there for just a few minutes or a few days before I remember to go through it.

So I made this handy-dandy (but maybe not so pretty) mail organizer.  It used to be a Lucky Charms box.  It would probably be a lot prettier if I had used fancy scrapbook paper instead construction paper from the dollar store.  Oh well.  Found the tutorial via this pin.

Day 18: Keepsakes.
Oh my word, this took me forever.  I can be a little sentimental, and going through all these made me reminisce over all those good ol' days in college.

This is the other half of the baby's closet...where I store all my crafty supplies and memories from yesteryear.

Here are some fun things I found and maybe threw away because really, you have to draw the line somewhere.

I had a creepy obsession with Oliver James.  These were plastered on my wall in high school.

This is just fantastic.

I had an even creepier obsession with Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes.

Because who doesn't have a poster of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team??

A cute note my sister stuck in a book for me to find. (I kept this).

Some artwork by my friend Benjamin Wright.  The first is Captain Moroni, and the second drawing is of our Book of Mormon teacher in her true mummy form attacking me while Ben cowers behind a rock.  Also, those are the exact clothes we were wearing that day.  He was a talented, if irreverent kid, no?  (I kept these, too.)

This is a drawing my other talented friend, Lisa made for me and Dan when we were dating.  (I also kept this, my dearest Babooshka.  Don't you fret!)  I have several other lovely drawings by her fair hand as well.

After going through all these, I have decided to institute Flashback Fridays on this blog, because I have too many awesome stories, mementos, and pictures wasting away in boxes.  So stay tuned for next Friday's post.  It'll be great.
Oh yeah, and here's the product of all my hard work:

Day 19: Master Closet
This is basically me hiding all my pre-pregnancy clothes from my sight because it just makes me sad that I can't wear them anymore.

Before.

I don't know if you can really tell, but my closet extends really far behind the wall.  That's where I hid all the clothes I can't fit into at the moment.

Before, other side.  All the shirts folded on that top shelf...I don't fit into those.

And that's what fits me right now.

This is basically the same, except the shirts that don't fit are boxed up and hidden on the other side.

Day 20: Photos.
Here's the thing.  My photos are pretty well organized on my computer.  I'm actually slightly OCD about making sure all my photos have a home in a folder that will help me identify when and where the photo was taken.  Any photos I have printed up have a home in an album, scrapbook, or frame.  So instead I decided to tackle my stationary!  And yes, I do have enough stationary to make it worth my while to organize it.

With the exception of that white box, all of this has to do with snail mail.

This photo album contains some of my postcard collection.  I've been collecting these since I was a wee little lass.

Some of my stationary...not pictured is some sweet Lisa Frank stationary, that I've had since I was seven years old.

I managed to consolidate most of it in that big box.  I know, you're impressed.

So, who wants to be my pen pal so I can put all that goodness to use??

Day 21: You Pick!
I decided to go with our porch.  It was in a sad state of affairs.

It just needed a little lovin'.

 Those boxes contained my gardening supplies.  If you've been following me for awhile, you know that my attempts at gardening have been less than satisfactory.  I've been plagued by bunnies, gophers, lack of sun, and incompetence.  Well, I'm turning a new leaf! (Get it??????)  And I'm also hoping to get some basil out of this.

How sweet! It's a garden!  And not ugly boxes!  Also, I swept that dirty, nasty floor!

If you made it to the end of this post and read and admired every word and picture, then we must be true friends.  Maybe even kindred spirits.  And I like you.  If not, I still like you, and totally understand.  This post was ridiculous.

Happy December!

December quite literally blew in this year.  The night of November 31st, some really crazy winds started picking up about 11 or so.  I woke up around 3 in the morning (because I had to go pee like a crazy pregnant lady, naturally) and our windows were rattling in a rather ominous manner, so I looked outside to see what was going on.  It looked like the end of the world was happening right before my eyes.  Trees were bent over completely sideways, the wind was howling around the house...I decided the best thing to do was just go back to sleep and hope for the best.  When I woke up the next morning I thought maybe I had been magically transported back to Florida during hurricane season, because that is what our town looks like.

Here are some fun consequences of that storm: No traffic lights, huge trees blocking the roads, houses and cars smashed, no power, no work (for one day), and even more traffic than usual.  I went on a walk this morning with my friend Melissa to take pictures of some of the damage.  I wish I had been able to get out sooner and document this, because after two days to clean up, most of the big trees have been chopped up and hauled off.  But we still managed to find a few good Kodak moments (and a few good garage sales!)

This palm tree was one of many that lost its head.

Topless

For scale purposes.

So sweet.

Baby Landon slept through most of our walk!

Another.

And another.

Some debris.  We found some mysterious shingles in this pile, not sure where they came from.

More branches.

 Also, due to popular demand, here are a few pictures of my ever-growing belly:

25 weeks.

There's a baby the size of an eggplant in there!

Looking a little haggard because it's bedtime.

Special thanks to my photog, Danny!

I've been feeling great this second trimester.  Haven't been sick, full of energy, almost feel totally normal...except for the part where I eat everything in sight.  Oh wait, that's normal too.  What isn't normal is when I feel my little girl squirming around in my belly, but I still love it.  It's getting really exciting thinking I'll be a momma in 15 weeks!  ...And maybe a little nerve wracking. 

.............

P.S. I just want to thank everyone for all the texts, e-mails, phone calls, hugs, messages, and comments I received regarding my last post.  You guys are wonderful friends, and I appreciate your sympathy and compassion towards me so much.  I'll always remember Ben, and I'll always love recounting our adventures, so don't be afraid to ask.  I haven't been moping about, I doubt that's how he would want me to mourn for him.  More importantly, I can't mourn for him like that, because I've had a constant reminder tapping on my shoulder the past week and a half that life goes on. The past week has been a roller coaster of emotion--one minute I'm smiling at the thought of that time we went to Walmart at 3 in the morning and played in the fat lady bras, the next I'm crying while driving home, because Nate Ruess just crooned a lyric through my stereo that was such quintessential Ben, I feel that hole in my heart start to ache again.  But you know, that's just one hole.  Maybe it will always be there, and maybe I'll always have moments where I cry for seemingly no reason.  But all around that hole are a million other pieces of my heart that have been touched by so many others (including you, if you're reading this).  It wouldn't be fair to let that hole take precedence over my family, my husband, my other kindred spirits, and my soon-to-be baby girl.  Ben will always be an important part of me, and I will remember him forever.  That hole will hurt, but I'm grateful for all the joy that the other little pieces of my heart bring me.  So, thank you, dear friend.