The other night, I couldn't sleep. It happens a lot, no biggie. I decided that while I was waiting to get sleepy, I'd waste some time on Facebook. I started reading all of my old messages. Conclusion: I have been so incredibly blessed. Reading of old inside jokes, seemingly life-or-death drama, past mistakes, and awesome triumphs, I felt this overwhelming sense of love from all these people. The Format lyrics came to mind "I love love."
I really do. In every sense of the word. Love. With such a little word, it's so hard to comprehend how much it covers. Sometimes it doesn't seem quite big enough. I was having a conversation with my best friend Ellen the other day, and she said something along the lines of, "I love you. But that doesn't even begin to express it." Maybe it's just because it's Thanksgiving, but I am feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the love in my life. Love is seriously all around us if we just look. Kinship, friendship, sisterhood, brotherhood, parental love, kindred spirits, soul mates, and the greatest of all--charity. The important thing is we just need to look for it. I forget that sometimes. I get down on myself so easily, and begin to feel worthless. But reading these messages from friends old and new, and I realized I'm not worthless. I'm far from perfect, but I have been given so much, and there is still room to grow.
I love being in love, I don't care what it does to me.
If you've ever heard the song Inches and Failing, you know it's more about how relationships are prone to blow up in your face, due to the unpredictability of human emotion. But this line just makes me think that even though investing our emotions and well-being into another's care can be dangerous--we are giving them the power to wound us--with that great risk we are allowing ourselves to experience greater joy. Human connection, understanding, empathy, and charity are what this life is all about. Allowing ourselves to love another, fully, makes all the downs of life worth it. There are so many people who I love, fully, completely. Love isn't a big enough word. Neither is thank you, but that's all English has to offer at this moment. I love love. And I love you.
P.S. Another realization from reading all these messages, I have so many people rooting for me to write a book. Not just any book, but the next great American novel or something. Maybe I should get to work on that.
P.P.S. Dan, I love you the mostest.