When I was in high school and blogging my life away, I had absolutely no problem broadcasting my latest drama to the universe (albeit in a decidedly cryptic manner, usually interspersed with song lyrics). I find that as I've gotten older--dare I say, more mature???--I've started to hold my cards closer to my chest.
But friends, I am thinker. I am goofy a lot of the time, but sometimes I have serious thoughts.
And sometimes I have a heavy heart.
I have one right now.
It's hard for me to talk about openly on here, since it is not really my story to tell. I will try and just describe my emotions surrounding this whole situation.
Sadness. Love. Helplessness. Heartbreak. Frustration. Confusion. Hopelessness. Sorrow.
Someone I love is suffering. They feel hurt and frustrated ten times more so than I could feel. And what is so much more difficult about it is that I cannot do anything to help them. I cannot change their circumstances or make decisions for them. I cannot shelter them from consequences or cruelty or suffering. I must watch and hope for miracles. I do not know how to act sometimes because this is uncharted waters for me and almost everyone I know.
I have grown up hearing the question, "What would Jesus do?" It seems like often the answer to that question is supposed to be straight forward. I have been learning over and over lately that life is messy.
Life is messy. This question of "what would Jesus do?" keeps repeating over and over again in my thoughts, bouncing around in my head as I mull it over and over again, and try to decide. I simply cannot stand when my mind works in over drive and all it comes up with is, "I don't know." What would Jesus do? If my Savior were here and placed in this situation, how would He act?
I can testify to you that the Lord knows our thoughts and our hearts. Despite teetering on the edge of despair these last few weeks, I have felt comfort. I have had hope that things will work out. And the past couple days, I have had experiences that have answered that specific question that I have pondered in my mind and heart.
Tonight I was scrolling through my facebook news feed, and a link to a blog came up. As I read it, I was intrigued by what the author had to say, but not necessarily absorbed. Then I read this:
"In the Christian community, we often ask, “What would Jesus do?” That’s
simple: He would be a voice of hope, He would make weak things become
strong, and He would reach out in compassion without reservation or fear
of “condoning the sin”.
And just like that, I knew exactly how to act. There are some things only our Lord and Savior can do, some things only His Atonement can heal, but my friends, while we are here and standing in His stead--we can show love and hope. We can resist the temptation to judge, to ignore, to belittle, and become strong in His love. This is so much easier said than done. I am still navigating how exactly to do this and to not become entangled in questions of where to draw lines and what nuances and connotations and hidden meanings words and rhetoric may have. But I am leaning on my Rock and singing softly to myself that "I truly need Him every hour, most gracious Lord." I am striving to leave myself open to His promptings and letting His love inside my heart that it may shine out.
I am not perfect at this, not by any stretch of the imagination. But tonight I go to sleep not lost in questions of what-if's, why's, and how-do-I's, but at peace with the knowledge that God knows us, loves us, and answers prayers--even unspoken ones.
And one thought continually rings out in my heart: My God is a God of Miracles.